Advertising Woes

August 27th As you can tell by the title, I am not cooking much right now. The masses have flooded Gainesville, and basically my wife is a slave to the masses. In order to keep from getting cooking rust, I have made some man food. I cooked myself a steak on the grill, and chopped up some sausage for a pasta dish. These are cooking techniques anyone with a spatula can do for themselves, so I will spare you the basic details. In this non-cooking post, I would like to pick on some ads I've seen recently. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be in advertising. My aunt did it for many years and I used to go to work with her in New York City. Like most people, I generally tuned out when ads came on, but she showed me the hard work that went into certain ad campaigns and how much they drove our economy. Since then, I generally pay attention to most of them, not all. Some ads are brilliant - for instance, Apple pretty much launched themselves over Microsoft with genius product and marketing. I can't afford an iPad, but boy do I want one. I don't even know why, all I know is that apparently I can do just about anything. The message conveyed in 60 seconds is compelling enough to me to dish out $400 beans - that's good advertising. Some ads, however, are not good at all. . . There are three beer brands that produce some of the more asinine commercials on television, Coors Light, Miller Lite and Michelob Ultra. Coors Light has decided that most men cannot figure out when their beer is cold, so they developed a mountain icon on their can that turns blue whenever the beer is drinkable. No longer do we have to touch the can, we can just look at it, stare at it even, until the glorious moment when the mountain turns blue. What Coors should really do is put something on the can that tells the drinker when the beer turns good, then I might drink it. I would rather lick a mountain, then get the taste of one. Anyway, their ads feature a collection of simpletons who go just absolutely giddy when their beer turns cold, so much so, that they could care less what scantily clad woman crossed their path. Yes, men like beer, but if you are drinking it alone because you are obsessed with a "window" in your disposable beer carton, than you are not only drinking ice cap water, but you are doing it in solitary. Miller Lite is doing the same thing. They have a swirled-topped bottle that apparently pours the beer smoothly, and they focus their ad campaigns on the many chimp-like men that think this is something akin to revolutionary. These men somehow are able to ramble off Twainish adjectives to explain the love of their beer, but stammer when it comes to someone they share their rent with. They go on online dating services, get beautiful dates, but blow it when they tell an audience that the most important thing in their lives is the beer they drink. This, I believe, is stage one of alcoholism. Michelob Ultra does none of these things, but they do seem to be targeting a very tiny demographic. Ultra has become this emo kind of beer that states, "hey, work out as much as you want, but if you still want to party till you puke, there is a tasteless alcoholic beverage waiting for you." They even prop Lance Armstrong on a trendy bar stool to show how good this beer is for you after cycling France. So for all of you mountain climbers, runners and overall fitness freaks, I say to you, stick to the white wine spritzers and remember to keep your pinky up - beer is not for you. Recently I was watching a baseball game and a commercial came on I just couldn't figure out. The inspirational music came on, random flashbacks of someone's life flittered across the screen, and I still had no idea what the hell they were advertising. When the carnage was over, I was informed that there was an organization called values.com. Do we really need a .com explaining values? Has it gotten so bad that we can't tell when we are doing right or wrong? So if I decide one day that I might want to kick a baby, do I log on to make sure I am doing the right thing? Who is giving these people money for them to interrupt my baseball game? What happened to parents? I was a big fan of Cheers, and the ensemble cast was what made that show funny. One of these cast members is still in character after all these years. Cliff Clavin, the know-it-all postman, has now found himself pitching cake shakes. The commercial has him sitting in front of a white screen spewing forth false information with the most unappetizing frozen milk product placed in front of him. Take a birthday cake, put it in a blender and add carnival shaped sugars bombs and you have the cake shake. Why has the post office not used John Ratzenburger for their commercials? Because Cheers has not been on the air since 1993, and most people that would consume a cake shake (10-15 year olds) have no idea who this guy is. Gosh, there is more, so much more, but I will save those for later posts. I plan on making some food this week, and until then, head for the Rockies and lick yourself a really tasty ice flow.