August 3rd
It was a long day of slaving over a cart of books and I really had no idea what I wanted to cook when I finally made it home. I trudged in the house, fed the animals, and looked in the fridge longing for some inspiration. Lo and behold, a magical white glove appeared on the kitchen counter and asked me . . .
"Do you have any hamburger?"
Retracing my day, I knew I hadn't partaken in any cocktails, nor had I decided to light up. So I stared at the little white glove and said rather tentatively, "Why?" He started to sing, "Hamburger Helper helps your hamburger help you make a great meal." I screamed and passed out.
When I came to, I realized that I did have some hamburger, and yes pray tell, I wanted to make a great meal. Well, it wasn't great, but eatable, and there you have your recipe for the day. Sometimes, inspiration comes in random hallucinations (I would have taken a picture of it, but if you've seen the box, you've seen the recipe).
The little white glove did have me thinking of all the commercial mascots there have been over the years, and how most people that meet them are not at all phased. Lately, the Swiffer Sweeper has taken the place of all sorts of household cleaning products, yet once the broom or mop has been banished to the garage, they come to life and have sexual relations with bowling balls, etc. The most the housewife can do is shrug and think to herself, crazy broom. A more realistic scenario would have the housewife break the broom in half and toss it in the garbage. However, watching a broom scream and cry while
Who's That Lady plays in the background would be rather awkward.
Remember the Brawny paper towel guy? Every time you spilled something, this giant would appear at your window with a huge smile on his face and offer his services to clean up your mess. He also carried a giant axe. I think he was in cahoots with the Mr. Clean guy - so before you knew it, your house had been demolished and a bald dude with an extremely shiny head is eating your Hamburger Helper, all because you accidentally spilled a little milk. No thanks.
Is it just me, or are most cereal mascots completely out of their minds? What is it about breakfast cereal that makes these assorted animated animals go absolutely bonkers? I think it's the sugar, and if you have kids, then you can pretty much make some crucial breakfast decisions based on how nutzo the cereal mascot acts. Here is a breakdown to help you, the concerned parent, decide on what cereal is best for your children.
Cocoa Puffs - You and your kids are enjoying a quiet Saturday morning at the breakfast table. In walks a strange bird with feathers all askew and cold sweats, wondering what you all are doing. Sure, it's strange for a Cuckoo bird to wander into your kitchen, but your are in a commercial after all, so anything goes. As you are pouring the milk over your child's Cocoa Puffs the bird begins to shake and drool a little. Your child begins to chow down while the bird watches the milk turn into chocolaty goodness. Pretty soon Sonny can't take it anymore and starts convulsing and bouncing all over the house screaming, "I'm CUCKOO for Cocoa Puffs!" He then proceeds to spin and twirl all over the place, scaring the crap out of you and your children. THE MESSAGE - Once you give your child Cocoa Puffs, he/she is going to want it all the time, and may actually hurt you and those around you until he/she gets it.
Lucky Charms "They are always after me Lucky Charms." Sounds a bit paranoid. This little leprechaun has gotten a hold of some sugary goodness and doesn't want to share. Every time he leaves his pot of gold, some sniveling children want to steal his breakfast away from him. He sprints through the forest with drooling kids hot on his heels until he trips, falls off a cliff etc., leaving his breakfast cereal free for all to eat. Not a way to live one's life. THE MESSAGE - If you see your child begin to hide his/her cereal, you are a nurturing a future cocaine addict (this is not to say that Lucky Charms leads to other more sugary cereals.)
Frosted Flakes - Sure, Tony the Tiger seems like a great guy, but how much trust can you put into an animal that only has one line and hangs around children. I think there is something in the cereal that lulls kids into a stupor until Tony becomes really hungry. Then, while nobody is looking, your child is the center of a feeding frenzy worthy of a Discovery Channel retrospective on the eating habits of the cartoon tiger. THE MESSAGE - It's a tiger, so not everything is great.
Cookie Crisp - Jesus man, it's little chocolate chip cookies in milk! I don't have kids, but even I know this is a bad idea. If you are considering this, then I have one word for you - TOAST. As far as mascots, they had cookie burglars and cookies cops, and the burglars were always making off with the goods. THE MESSAGE - If you are feeding cookies to kids first thing in the morning, turn in your parenting merit badge.
Rice Crispies - This is probably the healthiest cereal I've listed, but the mascots are the creepiest. First of all, I don't want my cereal to make any noise, EVER. If my cereal is snap, crackling, and popping then there must be something wrong with it. I also don't need three brothers named after sound effects to tell me it's all part of a balanced breakfast. Listen, get your little asses off my table and shut this cereal up. THE MESSAGE - Your day is long enough without starting it with cereal static. Let's keep breakfast to a dull roar.
Hope this helps all you parents out there, but it seems I'm not done (the fingers keep moving, I don't have any control).
There is another thing about commercial mascots that bothers the living crap out of me. Please, please for the love of God, if you are a restaurant owner and want to promote your restaurant, don't use the food you serve as the cuddly spokesanimal. I don't want a cute pig telling me how delicious his ribs are. I don't want a tuna fish telling me he is all white and dolphin safe. And I certainly do not want Mary's little lamb to tell me that being put in the box to make her shanks lean is all part of the delicious process. The only thing a cartoon pig pitching a barbecue restaurant should say is, "PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!! I HAVE A FAMILY FOR GODS SAKE!! GO EAT AT KFC, CHICKENS ARE USELESS. . PLEASE!! whimper, cry, whimper.
That is all for now. This was pretty emotional for me, but I feel it was something I needed to get off my chest. For some reason, I have an incredible urge for some tasty ribs, go figure, it does work.
PS - If you've read this post before the changes, I accidentally placed the Trix rabbit in the unfortunate position of being Cuckoo for something other than his designated cereal. My wife was kind enough to remind me that rabbits don't like chocolately cereal, but rainbow-flavored fruity type cereal. My apologies to all rabbits offended and all cuckoo birds who may be seeking psychiatric treatment. 8/4
August 3rd
It was a long day of slaving over a cart of books and I really had no idea what I wanted to cook when I finally made it home. I trudged in the house, fed the animals, and looked in the fridge longing for some inspiration. Lo and behold, a magical white glove appeared on the kitchen counter and asked me . . .
"Do you have any hamburger?"
Retracing my day, I knew I hadn't partaken in any cocktails, nor had I decided to light up. So I stared at the little white glove and said rather tentatively, "Why?" He started to sing, "Hamburger Helper helps your hamburger help you make a great meal." I screamed and passed out.
When I came to, I realized that I did have some hamburger, and yes pray tell, I wanted to make a great meal. Well, it wasn't great, but eatable, and there you have your recipe for the day. Sometimes, inspiration comes in random hallucinations (I would have taken a picture of it, but if you've seen the box, you've seen the recipe).
The little white glove did have me thinking of all the commercial mascots there have been over the years, and how most people that meet them are not at all phased. Lately, the Swiffer Sweeper has taken the place of all sorts of household cleaning products, yet once the broom or mop has been banished to the garage, they come to life and have sexual relations with bowling balls, etc. The most the housewife can do is shrug and think to herself, crazy broom. A more realistic scenario would have the housewife break the broom in half and toss it in the garbage. However, watching a broom scream and cry while Who's That Lady plays in the background would be rather awkward.
Remember the Brawny paper towel guy? Every time you spilled something, this giant would appear at your window with a huge smile on his face and offer his services to clean up your mess. He also carried a giant axe. I think he was in cahoots with the Mr. Clean guy - so before you knew it, your house had been demolished and a bald dude with an extremely shiny head is eating your Hamburger Helper, all because you accidentally spilled a little milk. No thanks.
Is it just me, or are most cereal mascots completely out of their minds? What is it about breakfast cereal that makes these assorted animated animals go absolutely bonkers? I think it's the sugar, and if you have kids, then you can pretty much make some crucial breakfast decisions based on how nutzo the cereal mascot acts. Here is a breakdown to help you, the concerned parent, decide on what cereal is best for your children.
Cocoa Puffs - You and your kids are enjoying a quiet Saturday morning at the breakfast table. In walks a strange bird with feathers all askew and cold sweats, wondering what you all are doing. Sure, it's strange for a Cuckoo bird to wander into your kitchen, but your are in a commercial after all, so anything goes. As you are pouring the milk over your child's Cocoa Puffs the bird begins to shake and drool a little. Your child begins to chow down while the bird watches the milk turn into chocolaty goodness. Pretty soon Sonny can't take it anymore and starts convulsing and bouncing all over the house screaming, "I'm CUCKOO for Cocoa Puffs!" He then proceeds to spin and twirl all over the place, scaring the crap out of you and your children. THE MESSAGE - Once you give your child Cocoa Puffs, he/she is going to want it all the time, and may actually hurt you and those around you until he/she gets it.
Lucky Charms "They are always after me Lucky Charms." Sounds a bit paranoid. This little leprechaun has gotten a hold of some sugary goodness and doesn't want to share. Every time he leaves his pot of gold, some sniveling children want to steal his breakfast away from him. He sprints through the forest with drooling kids hot on his heels until he trips, falls off a cliff etc., leaving his breakfast cereal free for all to eat. Not a way to live one's life. THE MESSAGE - If you see your child begin to hide his/her cereal, you are a nurturing a future cocaine addict (this is not to say that Lucky Charms leads to other more sugary cereals.)
Frosted Flakes - Sure, Tony the Tiger seems like a great guy, but how much trust can you put into an animal that only has one line and hangs around children. I think there is something in the cereal that lulls kids into a stupor until Tony becomes really hungry. Then, while nobody is looking, your child is the center of a feeding frenzy worthy of a Discovery Channel retrospective on the eating habits of the cartoon tiger. THE MESSAGE - It's a tiger, so not everything is great.
Cookie Crisp - Jesus man, it's little chocolate chip cookies in milk! I don't have kids, but even I know this is a bad idea. If you are considering this, then I have one word for you - TOAST. As far as mascots, they had cookie burglars and cookies cops, and the burglars were always making off with the goods. THE MESSAGE - If you are feeding cookies to kids first thing in the morning, turn in your parenting merit badge.
Rice Crispies - This is probably the healthiest cereal I've listed, but the mascots are the creepiest. First of all, I don't want my cereal to make any noise, EVER. If my cereal is snap, crackling, and popping then there must be something wrong with it. I also don't need three brothers named after sound effects to tell me it's all part of a balanced breakfast. Listen, get your little asses off my table and shut this cereal up. THE MESSAGE - Your day is long enough without starting it with cereal static. Let's keep breakfast to a dull roar.
Hope this helps all you parents out there, but it seems I'm not done (the fingers keep moving, I don't have any control).
There is another thing about commercial mascots that bothers the living crap out of me. Please, please for the love of God, if you are a restaurant owner and want to promote your restaurant, don't use the food you serve as the cuddly spokesanimal. I don't want a cute pig telling me how delicious his ribs are. I don't want a tuna fish telling me he is all white and dolphin safe. And I certainly do not want Mary's little lamb to tell me that being put in the box to make her shanks lean is all part of the delicious process. The only thing a cartoon pig pitching a barbecue restaurant should say is, "PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!! I HAVE A FAMILY FOR GODS SAKE!! GO EAT AT KFC, CHICKENS ARE USELESS. . PLEASE!! whimper, cry, whimper.
That is all for now. This was pretty emotional for me, but I feel it was something I needed to get off my chest. For some reason, I have an incredible urge for some tasty ribs, go figure, it does work.
PS - If you've read this post before the changes, I accidentally placed the Trix rabbit in the unfortunate position of being Cuckoo for something other than his designated cereal. My wife was kind enough to remind me that rabbits don't like chocolately cereal, but rainbow-flavored fruity type cereal. My apologies to all rabbits offended and all cuckoo birds who may be seeking psychiatric treatment. 8/4
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