Top 5 Hair, finally and Chicken Balti

January 15, 2011 I could say that I have spent the last couple of months doing excessive research on hair metal popology in order to finish my top 10 hair metal list. I could also tell you that I lost 8 fingers in a tragic food processor accident leading me to go into a deep depression that only alcohol could fix. That was until I was brought back from the depths by Carl Weathers who put me through extensive finger training while Survivor played in the background. I played finger drums, I pounded chicken thighs in a really cold freezer at Applebee's and finally I ran up thousands of stairs outside of a library on my hands with hundreds of admiring followers cheering me on. Of course, both of these would be true. So now that I am healed and sufficiently educated, here is the rest of my top 10 hair metal favorites. That is, if there is anyone still out there. 5. Whitesnake Let's face it, in the 80s David Coverdale was a bad ass, although he looked as if he was 50 years old. "In the Still of the Night" is still a pretty catchy tune complete with a Yo Yo Ma like violin solo (those of you who are Yo Yo fans, I'm sorry). You couldn't really go wrong if you had Tawny Kitean dancing around half naked on your Porche or draped all over you while you are driving 100 mph through the Lincoln Tunnel. Granted, she went loco and ended up on a VH1 reality show (much like most of these bands), but damn she looked good (Bachelor Party, remember?). "Here I Go Again" actually has a little bit of musical trivia associated with it (thanks wikipedia, I couldn't have made this stuff up). The original stanza for the chorus was to go like this. . "An' here I go again on my own Goin' down the only road I've ever known Like a hobo I was born to walk alone" David changed the lyrics to replace hobo with drifter because he didn't want people to think he was saying homo. Tee hee. 4. Skid Row Around the time that this band hit it big, pop metal was all over the charts. Most of the music coming from the hair metal scene was in ballad form, or was so top 40 that you couldn't tell whether there was any guitar in it or not. Skid Row was a nice surprise in that they actually rocked pretty hard. Sebastian Bach was the pretty boy lead with the distinctive voice that told the youth to go wild. "18 and life" and "I Remember You" were their biggest hits. Boss screamin' in my ear about who I'm supposed to be Getcha a 3-piece Wall Street smile and son you'll look just like me I said "Hey man, there's something that you oughta know. I tell ya Park Avenue leads to Skid Row." I tell ya, Skid Row leads to VH1. Older gentleman gone wild. 3. Poison I have to tell you, when I brought "Look What the Cat Dragged In" home, my mother almost lost her shit. Here were four dudes who looked like they got beaten up by your local Avon representative. But I must admit (and they are number 3) they were highly entertaining, and catchy to say the least. Sure, C.C. was a mess, Bobby Doll was equally hammered and Brett is well, Brett. But isn't that what made hair metal what it is today . . . obsolete. "Nothing But a Good Time" and "Talk Dirty to Me," put them on the map, and they went on to make such classics as "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" and "Unskinny Pop." Win big, Mama's fallen angel Lose big, livin' out her lies Wants it all, Mama's fallen angel Lose it all, rollin' the dice of her life Oprah couldn't have said it any better. 2. Motley Crue The Crue was by far my favorite until number one stole my heart (Debbie Gibson). I remember when I bought "Shout at the Devil" and the clerk looked at me wondering if she should or shouldn't sell an impressionable young man an album with a pentagram on it. I convinced her that I was indeed a card carrying member of the faux Satan fan club, and she was like "OK." So, I was able to bring this album home, crawl into my man cave and pretend to sacrifice small animals (easy Peta, there is nothing wrong with ripping apart some stuffed animals in the name of rock and roll). "Looks That Kill" was a good song from their second album, and "Home Sweet Home," was a good lighter striking ballad. But "Girls, Girls, Girls" and "Dr. Feelgood" was when the band really hit their stride. If by stride I mean, taking better drugs, then stride away. The Dr. really inspired Crue to rock, and almost took some member of the band to the great beyond. All, all around the world Girls will be girls It's the same ol', same ol' situation It's the same ol', same ol' ball and chain I say no no no No no no Introduced me to her lover In a cellophane dress Then they bid me a sweet fairwell Last time I saw them They were kissing so softly To the sound of wedding bells I remember the last time I wore a cellophane suit. Frankly, it was uncomfortable and embarrassing. 1. Guns and Roses As soon as Appetite came out I was hooked. In fact, this album seemed to be loved by most in my very clique-driven high school. "Welcome to the Jungle" was a very appropriate anthem for those on their way to another brutal day of high school hell. Every song on this album rocked, and I thought Slash was king shit. It actually was pretty painful to watch this band crash and burn like they did. Watching Axl in dreads come out and attempt to sing on the MTV music awards in the hopes of reviving GnR without its core was heart-breaking. They were on top of the world, and egos and Jack Daniels wouldn't let them continue on. I'm sure Axl is still trying to reunite this group, but let's face it, Axl's voice is shot, and frankly, nobody cares anymore. They really tried to push button with "Lies" but those buttons were unpushed, broken and forgotten as soon as the "Spaghetti Incident" hit the shelves. Not only is the title lame, but the music was an embarrassment to the genius they put out earlier in their career. Yes, I said it, genius. "Paradise City" remains one of my favorite songs of all time, and "Sweet Child of Mine" got me laid. So there you go, GnR rocked. Well I'm a west coast struttin' One bad mother Got a rattlesnake suitcase Under my arm Said I'm a mean machine Been drinkin' gasoline An honey you can make my motor hum I got one chance left In a nine live cat I got a dog eat dog sly smile I got a Molotov cocktail with a match to go I smoke my cigarette with style An I can tell you honey You can make my money tonight Let me translate from the vivid images put forth by "Nightrain." He lives in California and walks funny. He thinks he is bad and he stole someones very expensive suitcase. He's mean, he drinks gas (which is a more expensive habit than cocaine), but apparently it gets him going. He has died eight times, but is still smiling. He is ready to light something on fire, and he is a jaunty smoker. His hookers will do well this evening. Put that all together and you have utter nonsense. But it rocked, so we forgive thee, and so does Mr. Brownstone. In these past weeks I have donned the apron (and only the apron) to put together some recipes. So for those who think the tragic food processor accident has deterred me from cooking, here is an Indian dish that will make Vince Neal feel good (see how I did that, I put Vince with the name . . .oh never mind.) Sweet and Sour Balti Chicken: Ingredients por favor . . . 3 TBS of tomato paste 2 TBS of greek yogurt 1.5 tsp of garam marsala (spice) 1 tsp of chili powder 1 tsp of crushed garlic, but a little more doesn't hurt 2 tsp of mango chutney (you can make your own) 1 tsp of sale .05 tsp of sugar 4 TBS of corn oil 1.5 lbs of boneless chicken, cubed 2 jalapenos, diced 2 TBS of cilantro, chopped 2 TBS of light cream Take the puree, yogurt, garam marsala, chili powder, garlic, chutney, salt and sugar and mix together in an appropriately sized bowl. You will cook this mixture in the corn oil once it is heated over medium heat. Bring it to a boil and cook for about 2 minutes, just watch it. Add the chicken and coat those pieces with the mixture, then add 2/3 cup of water to it to loosen up the sauce. Cook this for 5-7 minutes or until the chicken is cooked though, you should be able to tell. Now add the jalapenos, cilantro, and cream and let that bubble for another 2 minutes. Make some cous cous or rice and top with chicken Balti. It should have a nice reddish color to and of course, the chicken better be done. Enjoy. Hope to most more frequently, so for those on the edge of their seats for my posts, you might want to get another hobby. Wink, nod, wink.